Open Book

It is 12 a.m. as I lay here, staring up at the ceiling fan. Watching it go around in circles. The five blades that swing are now morphing into one big blade. I lay here hoping the motion or the light sound of wind it’s making will somehow put me sleep. I hope, but it doesn’t happen. So, I start to focus my attention elsewhere. 

          My eyes have adjusted to the dark. I now stare at the shadow on the wall across from the two windows above my head. Each making four tiny squares. My OCD starts to kick in as I count them and trace the sides with my eyes. Once I am fully satisfied, I stop because I am sick of this game. 

          My eyes are heavy, but my mind is racing. I close my eyes as I try to turn off my thoughts that continue racing. I am hit with everything that happened during the day, what will happen tomorrow, and any random thought that may appear. For some reason my mind just wants to keep me awake. The night seems to draw out my active mind, forcing it to keep going. Torturing me. Leaving me uncomfortable, so that I have to keep tossing and turning. 

          My husband sleeps peacefully right beside me. I look at him with jealousy. Jealous that I cannot have that peaceful slumber. But I am happy that he gets it. That sweet face of his. I wonder what he dreams about. I wonder how he can shut off his mind and sleep in a matter of seconds. I wish I had that luxury. 

          To shake away these feelings, I turn and focus my attention at the big window to the left of me. Light pours in from the parking lot and the moon. I stare long enough for it to put me in a trance, but that’s all it does. I see headlights of a car pass by as it interrupts the steady streaming beam of light coming through my room. I hear the car door slam shut. I wonder where they just came from. Were they visiting family? Going out with friends? On a date?

I wonder if they will have trouble sleeping just as I am. Surely, I can’t be the only one, but it just feels that way right now. Right in this moment. Since it is just my husband and me. I long for him to wake up so that I am not alone. So, I could talk to him or have him suffer with me in silence. But he doesn’t wake up. He continues to sleep peacefully. And I am glad he does. 

          I turn to the clock and see that it is now 1 a.m. I again close my eyes and start to count down from one hundred. I heard this technique might work. I have tried it in the past but had no such luck. I continue to try it every night though. Hoping this will be the night it will work. I go through it twice and I finally surrender. 

          Frustrated, I turn to my side. I try to imagine that I am on vacation. I remind myself of the warmth of the sun, the beauty of the palm trees, and the crash of the ocean waves. “Creak”. There is a noise that came from somewhere and my eyes are instantly opened with curiosity and fear. The sound startled me. I look straight ahead, not moving my head in any way. I only move my eyes frantically for a few seconds and continue to stare straight ahead. I hear another sound shortly after. I am on high alert. I feel like my fight or flight senses are on. I have watched too many scary movies in my lifetime. I always think the sound is something paranormal. My mind starts thinking about the scary movies and it only makes things worse. I feel my heart beating out of my chest. Oh, how I long for my husband to wake up. To experience these noises with me. He’s right beside me, but I’ve never felt so alone. All of a sudden, the heat kicks on. I laugh internally at myself. The apartment building makes sounds and usually always does right before the heat or air comes on. I don’t know why I keep forgetting this. I am up for it every night. 

          I relax and gain the courage to look around the room. Everything is fine. Everything is in place. I have now worked up a sweat, so I roll down the big comfy blanket I have on. It is way too hot for me now. I only keep the little sheet halfway up my back as I lay on my stomach. I am grateful for the humming that is coming from the heat. The quiet is nice, but the humming allows me not to hear any other little creaks that the building makes. I toss and turn a few more times until I finally somehow manage to drift off into sleep. Each time, I don’t remember how or what I was thinking about. So, every night, I struggle. And it doesn’t stop there. 

          I am awakened at 3:30 a.m. My eyes are so heavy, so tired. My body is also tired, but I have to get up. I have to get up to use the bathroom. I, again, am frustrated and upset. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to exert myself because once I do get up, I will have a hard time going back to sleep. I try to ignore the pressure on my bladder. I am successful for a little while, but it grows harder for me to hold and fall back asleep. I force myself to open my eyes as I slowly sit up. It takes me a minute. My eyes are fighting with me. They want to stay closed, and I don’t blame them. Soon, I pull myself up and make my way to the bathroom. I am stumbling a bit since I am so off balance. Too tired to walk straight. Sometimes I even end up hitting into the wall, but I got lucky tonight. 

          I sit on the toilet and release the pressure while my eyes are closed. I close them as much as I can to try and keep myself sleepy. Sleepy enough that I can pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow again. I finish and make my way to the sink. Ice cold water spurts out. I wait for it to get warmer, but it takes too long. I quickly am shocked with the pain as I rush to get the soap off my hands. I dry them and I eventually climb back into bed. My body is up after all the excitement. I lay here, trying to fall asleep once again. I am back on my stomach since this is the only position in which I can sleep. I have my hands under the pillow. I get uncomfortable. I then put my hands to my sides. I get uncomfortable. I put my one leg up, my right arm down and my left arm up. This seems to work for a while until I have to turn my head to the other side. I happen to see the time and it is now 4:30 a.m. I am annoyed, but try not to think about it because it will keep me up even longer. I maintain my arm positions, but have both my legs out now. I am comfortable and lay here for quite some time until I somehow manage to fall asleep without knowing what I had been thinking about. I don’t know how my mind decides to shut off randomly again. My own mind is a mystery. A mystery that I cannot solve, when I so badly want to. 

          Before I know it, I am fluttering my eyes open once more. And this time for good. I know it because light is streaming in from the window right onto my face. And once light appears, I cannot fall back asleep. It is like my body knows it is daytime and it wants me to get up. My husband is up and about already. He received the sleep he needed. He is energized and I am glad he is.

          I rub my exhausted eyes and see that it is about to be 7 a.m. I lay here because my body is not ready to move. I lay here because my eyes are too tired to work. I lay here like a dead corpse, waiting for the warmth and light to somehow stretch my limbs. I lay here knowing I will face another start of the day, exhausted. I lay here knowing I won’t take a nap because if I do, I won’t sleep at night. Not that the daylight would let me do that anyway. I lay here knowing I again will have a restless night. And somehow, I manage.